The Power Of Re-Framing & Building Agreements

Jumping right in … REFRAMING. This is an amazing strategy.

If you are a therapist, and you did nothing but reframe all day, you could be a Great Therapist! So, Reframing … What is it? Reframing comes from the word “FRAME” It’s like when you take a Picture … and you change the FRAME … Although the picture didn’t change at all … It would look different with that new frame.

Because the frame is a Significant part of the Look of the picture. When people buy a picture … they have a hell of a time picking out a Frame for it … WHY? Because, depending on the the FRAME you Pick .. The Picture Itself will LOOK Wildly Different! Put an Average Picture in a GREAT Frame … It Looks GREAT. 🙂 Put an Average Picture in a BAD Frame … It Looks BAD. HOW You “FRAME” things makes a BIG Difference!

So Reframing is about Changing HOW you LOOK at things. So how can you look at things in a new way? Ask a different question? Picture from a different perspective? That’s how you Reframe! More on this later. So here’s a Reframe for you. Remember: We don’t win arguments … We only win agreements.” So we always want to be looking at what can we agree upon. And a lot of times, this is going to take Reframing.

The Child might Say, “You hate all my friends” You say, “No. I don’t hate ALL your friends. I’m concerned about SOME and I’m concerned that you may not know them that well. I Care about you. I want you to have good kind loving friends. And I don’t hate anybody. I hardly know them. I would like to get to know more.” So the Classic Reframe is: “What do you do when life hands you lemons? you make lemonade.

” That one is Ancient! 🙂 So a Reframe is turning a NEGATIVE Viewpoint into a POSITIVE Viewpoint. From Pessimistic to Optimistic! Those are two kinds of REFRAMES. We want to reframe things in such a way that we can AGREE upon them. I will teacher you in the next section how we can build agreements, and this reframe and will come in quite a bit. Reframing is a great tool! We used to always do this as part of in-home therapy.

It was building agreements. What do we all want? What can we agree upon? What can a the parent and a child agree they both want? We Started by looking at it from the Parents perspective of what they want for the child. “Well, I want them to have fun and I want them to have love in their life.” I would Lokk at the Child and ask, ‘”Do you want those things for yourself too?” ‘Yes!” OK. So we have AGREEMENT on that.

GREAT! Good Start! So far, Everybody is in Agreement! Wonderful! This is a great start to bring the Family together. Finding Common GOALS is HUGE! Perfect. 🙂 “So, your parents want you to be SAFE” “Do you want to be SAFE? … and of course, the child agrees with this to! Excellent! My Goal, as the Therapist,

is to get as MANY Positive Agreements as Possible! I am Creating WIN-WIN Agreements to show that Parent & Child are Closer than they thought! On to the Next Agreement … MONEY. I asked the parents, “Do you want your child to be financially secure? To have some money in the bank?”. The Parents actively Agree. Yeah. Do you want your Child to have some money to go on a date, eat out or some clothes? “Sure” the Parents say. Next I ask the Child. Do you want these things too?” “Yes!” I ask the Parents, “Do you want good friends for your child?” and we go all the way down this list and the parents and the child can agree on ALL these things.

Even number seven, which may seem bizarre to a lot of parents. I say, to the Parent “Do you want the child in control?” Many say, “No!” And I say, “Bo, No, no no you don’t understand … Do you want a child who’s IN control … they can CONTROL THEMSELVES … so you don’t have to do it 24/7. A child it acts and behaves appropriately.” Which basically means he’s following this list.

Is he having fun and is developing love good social issues his life? Yes. Is he also at the same time being safe? Yes. Does he have money in his pocket? Yes. Does he have good friends ,health, security? Well, now the CHILD is making sure that stuff’s happening. Do you want that? “Yes!” Do you want the Child to be in control in that way? you’re like oh yeah yeah. “Yes!” say the Parents.

Then i ask the Child “Do You want to be in charge? .. Or would you rather I give that Control give back to your Parents?” The Child will say THEY Want the Control Everybody IN AGREEMENT !:) And I say, “Look at this list … We got 8 different things here … and you guys said you couldn’t agree upon anything. These things are. 97% of what is important in life.

A max of 3% disagreement remains Wow! So we agree on far more things than we disagree upon.” So this is a beautiful beautiful thing. Build Agreements!!! The second part is, I would turn to the negative side and say, “What are we all NOT want?” And then I would do the SAME

Process as before with the parents and child. Show of Hands! “Who wants the child horribly injured?” Nobody? .. Ok .. Agreed!” “Ok … How wants him in Jail? Anybody?” NOPE! “Does anybody want him to get a Horrible Disease?” No? Ok … Agreement! “How about Heartbreak? Poverty? Anybody want some of this?” No? Ok … Good! “How about awful, life-changing regrets? Does that appeal to anybody? No?” “Who wants MORE Arguments? No .. Ok!” “Pain, horrible, awful, excruciating, gut wrenching, pain and even don’t want that now…. Any Takers? NO … OK … AGREED!” 🙂 So we agree 100 percent of what we DO want.

We absolutely agree and what we don’t want. We’ve got MAJOR agreements here. I’m thinking my job’s over … and I’m only like 15 minutes into the first session … AWESOME! I’m the BEST Therapist ever. See how EASY This Technique is to Use & How Powerful! Now you may not sit down and go in this format. The way I am … but in little bits and pieces. Example: you can say, “The only reason I’m telling you practice safe sex is I think you and I can agree that you don’t want to get a horrible disease. Sometimes it’s as simple to treat as a couple of tablets of penicillin and that’s it … you’re done. Great. Other times, it’s AIDS or it’s herpes and your sex life is pretty much over.