“Life lessons.” I love this part. With Life Lessons …
they are almost always going to work in your favor. This is absolutely fantastic! This is how you win, regardless of what a child chooses as they go through life. Now, when your child listens to you, they’re going to find out that you are right and they either avoid pain or they gain pleasure.
So, the child learns when they listen to you … That equals pleasure or an avoidance of pain. 🙂 Typically, you tell them NOT to do things … That’s to avoid pain. Here’s the other thing that could happen. 2) “Child doesn’t listen to you … They experience pain and find out you were right” This equals “YOU WIN!” This is the Amazing Secret of Parenting. You DON’T care which one they pick! Awesome! No matter which one they pick … they choose to listen … They choose not to listen. They gain a benefit … or something bad happens.
Either one teaches them that you are right …. you are protecting them and you care about them. You tried very hard to get them to work towards the positive … You tried very hard to get them away from the negative ones. Each one was kind, loving and protective But you weren’t overbearing. You let THEM pick.
Now if your child agrees with you, and says, “I’m not going to try it” … they do the right thing. You WIN!. If they say, NO! I think you’re absolutely wrong,” rather than getting into it with them over and over and over again .. you say, “You know what? I don’t know. You might be right. You might want to try it. OK. You’ve made some points. I made my points. OK. I will to sit back in fascination and see how you make out.
Just report back to me … I’ll be curious to see how you make out” And I let him do whatever they want to do. That’s the point at which I realize they’re NOT going to listen to me. I’m done talking and I say, “You know what? It’s your choice. I hope you make out well. I wish you good luck.” Be sure not to do this in a sarcastic way. You want to demonstrate that you are ok with them making their own choices.
Say, “OK it’s your choice. However this works out it’s going to land upon you. I hope you make out Okay.” So always tell them you hope this works out for the best for them. And I’ll tell them you hope they don’t get hurt. I try always to be warm and supportive of their Choices.
By doing this I am respecting them … and Protecting the Relationship. Perfect! Just let it go. Not one last dig … not one last push. Remember, They have already decided NOT listen to you. and if the last thing you say is one last dig … That’s what they will remember about the conversation. You were mean, arrogant, didn’t listen and just had to get the last word. This will KILL
the relationship … DON’T DO IT! Let them remember … “You gave me control back and you wished me good luck.” That’s should be the LAST thing that they remember and when they fail with this brilliant plan of theirs … they’re going to remember you were really good about it.
You pushed them in the right direction … and against all odds they went against you. They’re going to know THEY were wrong … without you ever telling them … they’re going to wish they listened to you. And now know that you had their best interest at heart and that you were right and that you are good at predicting. PERFECT! And that’s what you WANT them to remember.
That’s a Great Lesson … and YOU WIN No Matter What! Don’t fight with your child to the bitter end. You will never win. REMEMBER: We win agreement’s NOT arguments. Now, last piece and I’ll leave you with this. “We build character from struggle … Don’t protect your children from it too much!” Remember I told you earlier that my dad didn’t give me enough positive mental toughness … strength … Because he was trying to be good to me. His father worked him right to the ground! So he said to himself, I’ll be a great Parent by having my child do absolutely nothing. BUT, that was an Error in the opposite direction.
And that’s OK, because later on, like I said, we got the store and then I built up some mental toughness in terms of work ethic. And then I got my Kung-Fu instructor and that gave me physical & mental toughness. and between those two guys, I got it all. Would’ve been nice if we had done that along the way. But hey, it got done … before I hoit 18 years old.
So, we WANT our children to struggle a little bit, just like the babies crying at night. We want to soothe them, but we also want them to learn to self-soothe. Otherwise they’ll cry forever, right? Crying is how a baby gets their needs met … but when you’re an adult you still “cry” like a baby … I’m sure you know some people like this … too much of that behavior can hurt an Adult.
So we want to give them a little bit of frustration, we want to let them struggle. This builds up mental and physical strength and character. Perfect! It’s a Balanced Approach. You want to protect your children a little bit and help them out a little bit so they can feel like you’re there and you’re behind them and they’re supportive.
But it’s like going the gym. I’ll spot you on the bench … But I’m Not going to Lift the weight for you. I’ll give you a ride to the gym … but I’m not going to pay for your gym membership So it’s these types of things of finding that middle ground. Let them have their struggles and when they struggle they can appreciate their struggles and this makes them feel good. Say, “I can see you’re trying really hard.
I’m so proud of you trying so hard. Example: “You lost the game … but saw your run up and down that field .. You’re sitting here in a puddle of sweat. You know nobody can say you didn’t try. You don’t win every game. But you gave it a good shot. I thought you did great out there … It just didn’t go your way.” Let him struggle … let him be proud. Even when they fail. Say, “You know what, That was a massive failure.
But man you did it with gusto. I would not have had the kind of guts that you showed when I was 14 years old … to get up there and do that. And man that must hurt. You took it so well. I was Proud of you.” So, make them feel good, even when they lose, because they tried so well and the struggle was so great.
And when they succeed, say, Wow! I would watch you do that day in and day out. And you worked so hard and you put so much your heart and soul into this. You know your your mom your dad are so proud of you. You were Amazing! There’s not one kid in a hundred that could do what you just did. That’s great!” TEACH Them to ENJOY the struggle.
My Kung-Fu Instructor he taught us how to be competitive on how many pushups we can do. Pushups used to equal pain for me. Now he made a fun game to see you could be in the most pain, who could endure the most pain. That was a way to show you were strong and you were getting better all the time. Nice! You compete with your buddies … and push each other and over time, it became fun.
You know that’s why people learn to love exercise. I never quite learned that, but other people do. I learned in the martial arts. I didn’t in the gym. I thought they were just moving weights up or down. I wanted something more practical. But these are great ways that struggle creates character, it creates bonding, creates friendships & relationships.
Struggle creates STRENGTH! Enjoy it! Hey, get out there and have a great time your kids! Remember … they are only young for a little while … So enjoy them while you have them! Have Fun with your kids. You know if you’re having difficulty with a child .. It will get better! If you’re not having any challenges.
Boy you’ve learned some great skills which are going to really help you dodge a bullet. You’re going have a fantastic time with your kids. Remember your goal was correct. It was to have the kind, loving, relationship with your kids. It was to have your kids do a great job in life and you got every tool necessary to make that happen. So, if you’re a brand new parent & you learned these skills. Oh my God I am so impressed. This is fantastic.